God

God....
We all know he exists.  Some of us choose to not acknowledge or perhaps they really don't know.
Anyway, that is not my problem nor is it my choice.
I love God.  He has blessed my life in so many ways.  For one, I shouldn't have children.  I know, I know... but my situation is different from those that have one ovary, a tipped uterus or unfertile.  Really it is.  You see, when I was 19 I was diagnosed with brain cancer.  I survived...no joking there.  Anyway, I have limitations as to what I can and can't do.  One of them is to bare down.  You know, push a baby out?  Or push a big ole yucky poop out?  Well, I can't do that either.  I also am not permitted to lift above 20 lbs.  I try to obey that but does a family of 7 really have a load of laundry that weighs less than say 50 lbs?  Or a sack of potatoes.  I lift one ten pound bag at a time.  I move laundry a couple of pieces at a time.  I am getting off subject.  Typical Jenn.
So anyway.... I am having a dilemma with church.  My husband was raised 7th Day Adventist.  I was raised Catholic.  Although I never confirmed into the Catholic religion.  We live with my father in law whom has to be one of the biggest religious believers I have ever known.  I feel as though I am sinning because one, I don't want to attend his church.  I am sorry but, I don't believe in everything the Church preaches and teaches.  For one, I believe Pangaea did exist.  At one point I believe God had all the planets mushed together.  This allowed the people that inhabited the Earth to move more freely.  God created the planet to begin with, right?  So just because the Bible doesn't say the continents weren't mushed together doesn't mean it didn't happen.  Well, I could be wrong because I am sure some bible literate person will point out the exact book, chapter and verse indicating that they were in fact never together.  But for now, I haven't had any one approach me on that.  The people I have spoken to about it just kind of shut their mouths when I start talking about it. Which of course, makes me feel like a sinner.  Apparently, a "real" Christian doesn't think like that.
Well, my husband refuses to step foot into a Catholic church.  He thinks as do most 7th Day Adventist that Catholics are all pagan.  I keep asking him, because I was raised a Catholic does that mean I am going to Hell?  He says no because what you don't know, God won't hold against me.  So?????
I don't want to step into his church because I believe they are almost a cult. Really.....  They have a lot of cult characteristics.  If my husband really knew how I felt he would really think I was pagan.  I am not a pagan.  I BELIEVE whole heartedly in God.  I BELIEVE Jesus is my savior.  Because if he had not died on the cross for all my sins (and yes, your sins too) our world would be vastly different.  But, and it is a big but....  
The questions I have in my life right now are:
1. Do the 10 commandments still matter in todays world?  Have you seen all the crimes, drugs, and sex floating around?  You can not turn on hardly a station on television without at some point in a 1/2 hour time period there is a commercial selling you some fantastic potion to help your sex life.  Or a commercial for the latest game where you act as a drug dealer and go around killing people...huh? you get my drift.
2.  Do you really need to go to church to find God?  I thought God and Jesus are in your heart always.  You don't need an appointment to talk with God.  So do you really need a set time each week to go to his house?  
3.  Does it really matter what day you decide to worship God on?  The 4th commandment states to keep the Sabbath Holy.   Well, growing up as a Catholic we went to Saturday mass a lot.  Does that count?  Does it really matter if I went to church on Sunday?  Does God really care what day I worship or is he just happy that I worship?  My grandmother use to say that God only asks for one hour each week.  And then I lived in Virginia.  Part of the Bible belt.  There are churches EVERYWHERE.  But in Virginia they are remarkably a totally different form of Christian than here in WA.  They have churches marked Baptist (well so do we) but these Baptist churches are teaching the community how to beat the system and achieve all the help you can get out of the state.  For real!  You drive up and down any given road in the city I lived in.....everyone is home, all the time.  But yet, they can afford to drive around in Escalades, Cadillacs, and such.  Whatever..... In Virginia (now I saw this first hand with more than one family) you go to church faithfully on Sunday.  You come home and have a huge meal, take a nap and then party the rest of the week.   I had heard that back in the day they had speak easies.  Okay well, they still do.  It isn't what you think, well maybe it is.  This is how it goes, you go to a "friends" house in your neighborhood to hang out and have a couple of drinks.  However, your friend charges you for your drinks.  Usually cheaper than a bar.  This is ILLEGAL!  Did you know that?   Anyway, you run a tab and once a week you pay your friend the amount you owe in order to keep drinking in their home.  They just buy liquor and beer and keep it stocked.   They don't keep regular bar hours.  So you can drink all day and night.  And at any given time your friend's home is packed with people drinking, smoking....smoking anything you can that is illegal and cigarettes too.  It is horrible.  The stench in the city I lived in was almost intolerable.  Partially from the smell of all the roasting peanuts (it stinks, it doesn't smell like peanut butter but more like frying chicken).  going off on that tangent again.....
4. The bible says that as long as you accept Jesus as your Saviour before you die you will automatically go to Heaven.  My father in law says this is very dangerous to live by because you don't know when you are going to die and may be to late to proclaim Jesus as your Saviour.  So, how and when are you suppose to claim Jesus as your savior?  
5.  When you die, do you go straight to Heaven or do you go to sleep and wait for Jesus to return and get you?  The 7th Day Adventist believe you go to sleep and wait.  I was taught that you go to Heaven.  This is in part to Jesus dying on the cross.  You ask an Adventist and they will tell you up and down that no where in the Bible does it say you go straight to Heaven.  I had the pleasure of working for a man who was also a preacher for the Baptist church (a real one).  He had me bring certain texts up to my husband that indicated that when we die we do in fact go straight to Heaven.  So this has me more confused because my husband had me go back to my boss with text that indicate we sleep.  I was taught that you go straight to Heaven but, this is probably a pagan belief.  After all, I was raised Catholic.
I could go on and on and on with my confusion but I am running out of time for my break.  I am in the midst of painting my bathroom.  I took a quick break to let some of dry so I could see how it looked.

Girls day

We are rounding the corner to getting our income tax refund.  I can almost taste it.  I am super excited like always.  However, more so this year.  I am looking forward to spending the day with my daughters doing girlie things.  Each year I try to treat them to a very special day.  This year, I am trying to figure out how to make everything fit into one day.  I would love to take the girls to a nail place and have them either get their first real mani and/or pedi.  Brooke-Lynne is the obstacle here.  She wants to do the girls day and the boys day.  I am thinking what we are going to have to end up doing a family day where we go bowling, movies, dinner, Seattle,  etc.  And a girls day where we go shopping, lunch, mani/pedis, dancing brush.  Brooke-Lynne loves the dancing brush but, she also wants to experience paint balls, golfing and the batting cages.  Guess she will have to decide which one she wants to do more.  I hope she chooses the girlie day.  But, I will understand if she chooses to go with Dad because after all my daughter loves sports more than nail polish.  I want to venture down to Centralia and check out the outlets.  My oldest is very much into shoes and clothes and makeup.  We don't permit her to leave the house looking like a clown but I will allow her to use a little.  I was her age when I started to wear makeup.  I was wearing makeup before shaving my legs.  Ha!  Now, that is just a little weird, yes?  Anyway, Allison is all girl so I know she would be down for getting her nails done, having lunch, doing the dancing brush thingy, and shopping.  I know my girls can shop.  Not me so much but I do want to check out the outlets and maybe the super mall?  I told my husband that maybe, just maybe, the girls and I would do great wolfe lodge.  He didn't like that idea to much because he has always wanted to do that too.  But then, that would require purchasing bathing suits for the whole family.  Well, we do need them.  I wonder if they make them long enough to cover me from neck to knees.  ha!

Jan. 6

Dear Diary........
So today is a gray day outside.  Not much happening this week.  Thank God.  I have the flu or a really really bad cold.  It has been kicking my butt this whole week.  Luckily, I have several children that want to take care of me.  The only problem, some of them are now sick with the crud.  Even my husband is feeling not to hot.  I can only pray that this leaves quickly.
I feel a little more peace in my life.  My sister Amy is somewhat talking with me now in a positive manner.  Not sure how long it will last but I am grateful for this stretch of road.  It is very refreshing.
This is the first year that I failed to capture Christmas with the camera.  It saddens me a little because I would like to show my children as much as I can how they were when they were young.  I know we have memories but pictures are always so much fun to look back on.  I also didn't care to think of any new year resolutions.  I always seem to maintain the same ones year after year and so this year I decided to not think about it.
I have long term goals in my mind and that has caused a lot of excitement and pipe dreaming.  I used to think it was odd as a child that my parents used the phrase "pipe dreaming" however, it fits.  I love to dream.  I love to achieve my dreams.  The hard part is getting the wheel turning but once it is turning I keep on rolling until it is accomplished.
My ever growing list of lists is still determined to keep adding up.  I swear I must have an accordion file full of lists; all in my brain of course.  Have you ever sat down and just thought about the things you want to accomplish in your life; your bucket list?  Oh I have.  Many many times.  I have so many fantastic adventures on this list. I have been able to cross some off but not many.  Not yet.
My birthday is this month.  I will be turning 36.  My mother told me I am getting old.  Thanks!  What does that make her then?   I don't feel 36.  I surely don't act 36.  However, I must say I look 36 and then some.  Aging is not something I am doing to gracefully.  BTW I want to try the Olay product that "allegedly" can erase or lighten dark spots.  I did a lot of tanning in high school and now I have these spots showing up on my face.  Back in the day I think people referred to them as liver spots.  I also had some really weird stuff happen to my skin when I was pregnant with the twins.  I think those two situations probably have caused these spots to appear.  I refer to it as my Michael Jackson syndrome accept I am turning black and not white.  I only have 4 spots but they bug me.  So I am hoping in the next few weeks to get this product and try it out.  It can't hurt, right?  If I had money and by money I mean over 100k in the bank I would seriously consider plastic surgery.  I would love to get certain parts of my body back to where it is suppose to be.  One of my lovely daughters asked me why I had 4 chins.  4 chins?!?!?!?  I looked at her and I said "What did you say to me???"  She replied "Why do you have 4 chins"  I bluntly stared at her with a bit of hurt and anger in my eyes.  I calmly asked her "You are in 3rd grade, and you do know how to count, so how can you say I have that many chins?"  Her reply "Because you do"  Then she proceeded to touch and count.  Good grief!  I got up and ran to the bathroom.  I know the weight has crept up on me this past year.  I do by all means, intend to get it off.  It is alot harder to get it off then to put it on.  I will do it though.  So to help me with that, I am going to take a before picture (not visible to people on the internet, muahahahahahaha) and keep a chart of my weight loss.  I might even measure inches.  We will see but I will do it and my start date will be posted in another blog.  I might even break down and put a before picture.

I get to go afterall

This evening is the one evening I have been looking forward to for about a month now.  I get to see some girlfriends that I haven't seen in a long time.  Some of the ladies I haven't seen since 1996.  I am attending a cookie exchange.  When I got the invite I was so excited.  I tampered with about 7 different recipes for cookies until I decided that none where what I really wanted and went out on my own.  I create my own recipe which will be featured in the Poor Man's Collection (due out before I die).  I tested the recipe 3 times.  Each time the cookies came out delectable.  Until last night. When I needed to make 7 dozen cookies to take.  The cookies still taste good but their texture is more of a cake like cookie.  Not a fan!  I am taking them with me because I don't have the time to go out and buy more ingredients and besides the frosting needs to dry and harden.  blah!  Also, my daughter is attending with me and she still needs to bake her cookies.

If my planning goes right, we should come home with 14 dozen cookies.  All different kinds.  This exchange sounds like it will be huge.  There are 14 ladies coming and we are asked to bake 7 dozen. With my thinking that means, everyone will receive a half dozen cookies of each kind.  Let's hope.  I would love to be able to bring home that many different kinds of cookies for my family to try.  I plan on freezing most of them and bringing them out on a "as needed" basis.  But with 3 major sweet tooth's in this family I am sure they will  likely sneak them.

Dear Amy

Dear Amy,

I am sorry you feel that I am responsible for the direction your life has taken you.  I know you feel that I am at fault. Amy, I am not.  You chose your path.  You chose to have an affair.  You chose your pills over your family.  You chose not to get a lawyer. I know you said you looked and nobody does pro-bono, but  I do know that had you gotten out of bed and gone to work you would have had the money to retain a lawyer.  I know right now you are in fighting mode, which is completely understandable seeing how you just lost custody of your children and now have to have supervised visitation.  Have you stopped to breathe and think about this?  You deny having an addiction.  But, the whole family sees it differently.  Everyone in the family believes you do.  Do you realize this?  Your approach on life for the past 3 months has been more of "everyone is out to get me" rather than, I fucked up and need to fix this.  You didn't attempt to talk with anyone in the family about what was going on in your life. So yes, you are estranged.  You have barely talked with our parents since you moved into your residence and prior to that you all but quit talking to our mother.  Mom and Dad approached you over a year ago in a very respectable fashion in regards to your actions, attitude and perhaps addiction.  Do you not remember Dad stating to you that you have all the signs of addiction?  Why did that not register with you then?

You want nobody to interfere in your life.  I understand that, but do you realize we all love you and your actions have affected everyone?  Not just your children, but your nieces, nephew, and extended family.  You wanted our extended family to help you but you couldn't tell them the truth.  You concocted little lies to make it appear that Will is the bad guy.  I am sorry if you feel you can cheat on your husband and then expect your husband to just get over it and keep living on like normal.  I am sorry you feel you deserve to be supported by your soon to be ex husband.  I am sorry you can't get out of bed in the morning because you are so doped up on your pills that you can no longer function like a normal person.  I am sorry you seem to think you have done nothing wrong and our family has.

Is it possible that you are an addict?  Is it possible that you do have a very severe problem?  Is it possible that your whole family does love you and only wants the best for you?

I can sit here and bang my head all day over this.  I can pour my heart out on this blog and tell you what I really think but it isn't gonna solve the problem that you are sick.  It isn't gonna do a damn thing.  You have to fix this.  You have to own your mistakes and attempt to correct them.  You need to wake up before it is too late.  Before we lose you permanently.

Heartbroken,
Your Sister,
Jennifer

unable to vent correctly...pfft!

The other night I was completely stressed and literally at the end of my rope when I felt the need to vent.  I vented on my husband who in turn tells me that I don't technically vent, I attack.  Boy, I felt bad.  But I can't vent anywhere.  Really.  Not on facebook because then the whole world will see.  Not in a journal because my family will read it, I can guarantee this happening.  I can't exactly vent here either because one day people might actually read what I have written.  So where?!!?!?

They say when it rains it pours.  That is the truth.   When things start going bad, it is like a beach ball rolling down the hill getting faster and faster.

I am going to let some of it off on this blog and hope that it helps me feel some relief.

My sister just lost her children.  Literally.... the courts stated she can only have supervised visitation every Wed evening for 3 hours and then every other weekend she can have supervised visitation for 3 hours at a time.  So one week she sees her children for 3 hours and then the next week for 9 hours.  Why??!!!  Well, it is a long story.  A sad and tragic story too.  My sister has been fighting an addiction to pain pills for almost 6 years now.  As with all addicts the problem gets bigger and more out of control.  My sister however, can not or will not admit she has this problem.  Well her addiction caused her to lose her job or as my sister says "A year long leave of absence"  I kind of feel she would have been fired had she not stated she wanted a leave of absence.  The story gets deeper.  She had an affair and when her husband found out he did what an reasonable man would do.  He left her.  But, he still paid for her rent, gave her a car, paid for the utilities and even bought groceries.  The only thing he did not do was give my sister spending money.  Why should he?!?! He shouldn't have to because he LEFT her.   He still provide the necessities for maintaining an almost normal lifestyle.  She had a job.  If she went to work she would have had money.  Right?   The courts stated she needed to seek counseling for her drug problem before she could get overnight visits.  I hope she can do this. I fear for her life.  It is in a downward spiral.  At some point she has to hit rock bottom.

On another note, my husband recently got employed.  YES!  Well, the kicker is I feel more stressed now.  He works in Auburn and today he had to be there for 4am.  That meant he left before 3am.  Which means I am up before 2am to prepare him to leave.  Well, I am tired.  Too tired to function but yet I can't seem to fall asleep.  Tonight will be an early night for me.

Christmas is once  again right around the corner.  Every year it gets here quicker.  I was rocking the Christmas music earlier in November.  I am still listening to it.  I have high hopes for this season if only I could find the motivation to do it.

Perhaps, I should get in a tanning bed and get some much needed Vitamin Sun.

Redneck and Whitetrash

I am the type of woman that when she doesn't know something I look it up, study it and make an opinion based on the facts I have collected.  Don't come at me and expect me to think that just because ya'll live somewhere else (ummm hello I lived there for 10 years you dimwit) that I don't know the laws.  I am by know means a lawyer BUT I do know that you can google pretty  much anything you want to learn about and have it accessible to you in a fraction of a second.  Man I love the internet.  But, I do miss doing things the old way.  Simple times. When you actually had to go to the library and look something up in a card catalog!  Holy cow, eons ago but I still know how to do it.

This evening my daughter Allison comes to me and says she hears something in the pantry.  I go in there and yeah you can hear something in there.  Then I notice this long skinny tail up against the wall.  My first impression was that there was a black wire hanger in the pantry but, I quickly crossed that off the list when I recalled we only have plastic ones now (again simpler times).  Well as soon as my brain put two and two together I had a complete and totally non controllable fit.  Literally screaming at the top of my lungs, running in place and shaking my hands and arms all over the place.  THEN I mange to somehow slip and go falling with no style whatsoever to the floor.  No, I didn't get hurt.  Yes I am in shock and no I am obessed with my pantry.  I must have checked it at least a dozen times already.  I even put my cat David in the pantry which he didn't like.  So I took David to the basement door, opened the door and put him in.  I quickly shut the door and ran away like I was being chased by bees.  A 1/2 hour later I went to let him out because he wouldn't stop crying.  So whatever is in the basement and pantry must be bigger than David, right?

I hope my father in law and husband can handle this.